So when I first started this blog I promised transparency and openness. Nothing would be off limits to talk about or discuss. I shouldn’t have promised that, because there are some things that can’t be spoken about; each for their own reason.
That being said, I do have people I can talk to about those things. My therapist being one of them. The past few weeks I’ve had a melancholic cloud hanging over me. I know why I’ve been feeling this way. Unfortunately, there’s just not a lot I can do about the situation. It’s out of my hands. One of these things, that can’t be spoken about in detail, is also causing me great anxiety. I’m trying to keep myself grounded, reaching out to my support systems, and so on, but it’s also out of my hands.
I’m having a difficult time writing this post because the things I would like to discuss can’t be written about in public. The things that are on my mind can’t be discussed to the general public.
I’m having a crisis of identity, of sorts. I’m not questioning my Deaf Identity, or my Queer Identity, or my Gender Identity (though I always question that), or my faith. It’s another identity.
So. In a couple weeks is my niece Piper’s birthday. 5 days before surgery. It’s hard to believe she would have been 7 years old this year. I love my nephew greatly, he fills my heart with joy, but there are things I struggle with. I can’t bring myself to read to him. To me, that was me and his sister’s thing. Oh but how I love that little stinker (my nephew). I love them both more than anything.
I’ve decided I’m going to start my conversion again a few weeks out from surgery. I’m going to start going to services at synagogue again around the same time. I know it seems silly to make such a big deal about going to synagogue but it’s a PTSD thing. It’s hard to explain. Having taken my ex there, the memories, even though it was a short lived relationship, scare me a little. I think I’m more scared of the trigger that occurred at the end of our relationship and being triggered in the synagogue then I am anything else.
Just thinking about it is making my breathing go shallowing and frequent and my heart rate increase. This frustrates me because I want to have a conversation with my Rabbi about gender and Mitzvah.
Ok world. I hope this blog finds you in peace and harmony. Until next time.
Music: “Mine” Cover by Glee Cast; “Hope There’s Someone” by Antony and the Johnsons; “Where you Lead” by Carole King; “Life A River” by Carly Simon; “Wait for You” by Elliot Yamin; “The Minnow and the Trout” by A Fine Frenzy; “Soldier” by Gavin DeGraw; “21 Guns” by American Idiot Broadway Cast; “Wake Me Up When September Ends” by American Idiot Broadway Cast; “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” by American Idiot Broadway Cast.