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August 2015

27 Days – What Am I Even Doing?!

So when I first started this blog I promised transparency and openness. Nothing would be off limits to talk about or discuss. I shouldn’t have promised that, because there are some things that can’t be spoken about; each for their own reason.

That being said, I do have people I can talk to about those things. My therapist being one of them. The past few weeks I’ve had a melancholic cloud hanging over me. I know why I’ve been feeling this way. Unfortunately, there’s just not a lot I can do about the situation. It’s out of my hands. One of these things, that can’t be spoken about in detail, is also causing me great anxiety. I’m trying to keep myself grounded, reaching out to my support systems, and so on, but it’s also out of my hands.

I’m having a difficult time writing this post because the things I would like to discuss can’t be written about in public. The things that are on my mind can’t be discussed to the general public.

I’m having a crisis of identity, of sorts. I’m not questioning my Deaf Identity, or my Queer Identity, or my Gender Identity (though I always question that), or my faith. It’s another identity.

So. In a couple weeks is my niece Piper’s birthday. 5 days before surgery. It’s hard to believe she would have been 7 years old this year. I love my nephew greatly, he fills my heart with joy, but there are things I struggle with. I can’t bring myself to read to him. To me, that was me and his sister’s thing. Oh but how I love that little stinker (my nephew). I love them both more than anything.

I’ve decided I’m going to start my conversion again a few weeks out from surgery. I’m going to start going to services at synagogue again around the same time. I know it seems silly to make such a big deal about going to synagogue but it’s a PTSD thing. It’s hard to explain. Having taken my ex there, the memories, even though it was a short lived relationship, scare me a little. I think I’m more scared of the trigger that occurred at the end of our relationship and being triggered in the synagogue then I am anything else.

Just thinking about it is making my breathing go shallowing and frequent and my heart rate increase. This frustrates me because I want to have a conversation with my Rabbi about gender and Mitzvah.

Ok world. I hope this blog finds you in peace and harmony. Until next time.

Music: “Mine” Cover by Glee Cast; “Hope There’s Someone” by Antony and the Johnsons; “Where you Lead” by Carole King; “Life A River” by Carly Simon; “Wait for You” by Elliot Yamin; “The Minnow and the Trout” by A Fine Frenzy; “Soldier” by Gavin DeGraw; “21 Guns” by American Idiot Broadway Cast; “Wake Me Up When September Ends” by American Idiot Broadway Cast; “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” by American Idiot Broadway Cast.

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33 Days – Motivations and Assholes

So it’s been awhile. I kept meaning to sit down and write this, but kept coming up with more important things to do, like Netflix. It’s the same situation with my dishes. My kitchen is a scary place right now. I’ll do my dishes… eventually. I just really hate doing them. Like, more than any person should.

Also, I’ve been struggling with a bout of depression lately so I’ve been hiding out a little, forcing myself to be social on a few occasions.

So, your subconscious is a sneaky little bastard. Have you noticed I say, “so” at the beginning of a sentence often? Why is that? Hmmmm, lets avoid the subject at hand and ponder this for awhile. No? Ok fine.

Well. A few things have surfaced in my subconscious since my last post. The first of which, there is some vanity attached to my decision to have this surgery. I don’t expect to suddenly be this hot mama post-surgery. However, I’m not happy with how I look. And I’m not happy with how men treat me because of my weight. I do stress, I am doing this surgery for myself. For my health, for my own peace of mind. But gay men are fickle, vain bitches sometimes. I mean, really. Sometimes I feel that unless you are physically fit, able, white, and masculine you are relegated to second class in this community. I’m not going to go off on a tangent about community problems I promise. I so often do.

The other thing that came to light in my subconscious was why I’ve been avoiding synagogue. I took my ex to Passover Seder and introduced him to my Rabbi and that was a very big deal to me. I still pray, I still read the Torah. I just have been avoiding going to synagogue. Over the summer they have a potluck and game night the first Friday night of the month. I felt uncomfortable going because it was always something he and I talked about taking the kids to. I can’t believe someone who I only dated for four, or five months has such a residual affect on me. Furthermore, I wonder if he’s reading this. I think I need to start slow, go to a Friday service, or a Saturday service. I won’t be able to go to any of the high holiday services because I’m having surgery on the first day of Rosh Hashanah.

The rituals, the prayer, the donning of the tzitzit and kippah, they’re all very important to me. I want to be an observant Jew. That being said, that complicates my dating options. I don’t know that I could date a non-Jew. I really don’t. First of all, Jewish men are incredibly attractive. I mean… helloooooooo. Second of all, it’s such an important part of my daily routine I don’t think I could have a non-Jewish wedding or not have the rituals in my house.

I dream of lighting the Shabbat candles with my husband and children in our home. Preparing for Passover, having our own Seder. All I’m asking for is a Deaf, Jewish, man who doesn’t get hung up on the gender of his partner. Is that so much to ask? *sigh* who knows.

That’s all I have for now. My trainer weighed me Monday. I weight 291 pounds. Not terribly surprised. I’ve been consuming my favorite unhealthy foods. Starting next weekend (not this weekend) my diet will start to change in preparation for surgery. I’m still not nervous. I’m excited, anxious, I have butterflies in my stomach type feeling but none of it is nerves. I’m ready. Let’s do this.

Here’s the music I listened to: (By the way I share this so you all can experience cool artists you may have never heard of, just FYI). “Keep it Loose, Keep it Tight” by Amos Lee; “Sympathize” by Amos Lee; “Careless” by Amos Lee; “Superstar” by The Carpenters; “Bridge Over Troubled Water” by Quincy Coleman; “Virginia Wolfe” by Dala; “Good Enough” by Darren Hayes; “In/Out” by Dan Croll; “Counting Blue Cars” by Dishwalla; “Catch the Wind” by Donovan

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