I’m having a hard time feeling joy for friend’s happy occasions related to relationships or births of children.
Some would argue I’m too hung up on wanting a relationship and a child. I have been single a very, very long time. I’m just struggling to muster the joy to be happy for new relationships, new births, and so on. I’m envious of my cisgender friends who are meeting significant others; I’m even more envious of my transgender friends who have happy healthy romantic relationships.
Maybe I’m ungrateful. I never expected it to be so hard to date and be a Transgender woman. I knew being a woman carried certain losses of privilege and certain societal risks; but I didn’t expect to be raped on a first date because they wanted to experience sex with “a tranny” and then be shamed/blamed for it.
I’m just tired. Tired of feeling alone; tired of seeing others achieve and obtain some of the bigger dreams I’ve had for myself.
Is it so much to ask to have someone to cuddle up with at the end of a long day; or someone to share your life experiences with both the bad days and the good.
I have a lot to be thankful for in my life for sure. But it’s just hard to notice those things sometimes.
Please refrain from commenting platitudes of “you’ll find someone when you least expect it” or “there’s someone for everyone”, etc. I call bullshit. And I’m too tired of being alone to hear it. Cisgender people just don’t understand the struggles of transgender people.
Don’t worry; I’ll be talking about this at length with my therapist and I’m sorry if I can’t muster the happiness anymore to congratulate you on your new relationship or your new child. I know it’s selfish; but I just can’t anymore.
Maybe this is just a funk? I don’t know. But it’s been festering for awhile.
I do love you all and hope you are well.
PS: I’ve been listening to Grant Lee Phillips “Mona Lisa” on repeat. Good song; good album.
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